Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
