this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
