If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dignity is for republicans.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
