he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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