Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
