Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
