If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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