Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
