I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The beer is more important than you right now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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