Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
