So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
