paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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