I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
