when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
