did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
