When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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