dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
