Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
