Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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