I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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