took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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