i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
