all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
