you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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