You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
