I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's shark week go big or go home
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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