We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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