The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
