Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
