Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am naked and annoyed.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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