just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
