Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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