Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
that's an acceptable place to lick
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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