please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
