If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
