hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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