Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
