how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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