Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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