Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
