i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This toilet bowl is my home.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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