I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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