dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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