My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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