Define "chronic" masturbator.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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