Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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