I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
