Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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