sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
