The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
