If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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